Worry, Surrender & Rest

“I love you, and you can rest with me.”

I’m learning to surrender to God.

And it’s not easy for me, even though (in theory) I want to surrender.

It’s not easy for me because deep down I like my way, I get anxious and worried, I get distracted, and I care what others think of me. Maybe you can relate to one of more of these experiences. I can hear a past spiritual director of mine saying, “Caitlan, it’s not a you thing. It’s a human thing.”

I brought my manuscript for The Restless Grain to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament recently. The manuscript is done and has been done for quite some time. But, I’ve been beset with worry about it—“Lord, is this what you want it to be?” “Lord, do you like it?” “Lord, will others like it? Will it resonate with children’s hearts and bring them to you?”—which has kept me making tweaks. And has kept me restless.

Like a child, I knelt and sat (and even laid on my tummy) in the back of the Blessed Sacrament chapel and literally put the manuscript on the floor so Jesus and I could work on it together. I told him, “I can’t, you can. I need you to take care of this.”

O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything!

So Jesus and I worked together, and talked, and I periodically checked to make sure he was still there—he was and always is—and then I put the paper and pen down and closed my iPad.

I knelt again and spoke from my heart, “I love you.”

And what did I hear whispered in return? Part of the final words of The Restless Grain: “And you can rest with me.”

I love you, and you can rest with me.

It turns out I needed my children’s book more than I knew I did.

If you have time this week, go be with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Bring Jesus every one of your worries and say, “You take care of it.”

O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything!

And then, rest.

Photo by Clément Falize on Unsplash